Claire and Gloria help plan a school dance, and Lily likes to bite, much to Mitchell and Cam's dismay. As a bonus, Jay and Phil take their sons to the mall. Claire: I don't think Phil is a pocket-square kind of guy. Mitchell You wouldn't believe how some of the parents dress their kids. Phil: Let's go, Incredible Hulk. Cam: Let's blame the gay dads! Phil: I want you to know there is more to being a man than shopping for fancy outfits. Claire: I already have a husband who doesn't fix lights. Cam: She bit me. It like Twilight back here! Luke: Here's something I learned about mannequins, they don't have a wiener. Cam: She's not biting, she's teething. Cam: I'm not the one who uses his teeth like a multi-tool. Claire: What, we needed chairs. Manny: At this rate, I'm going to miss the first dance, at my wedding. Phil: Oasis for men, men, men, men, men, men, men. Jay: I'm tough. Phil: You know skipping burns more calories than running. Mitchell: You know she didn't fight in Vietnam. Cam: I waterboarded my daughter! Cam: As a side note, private parts are private. Claire: Luke, are you wearing cologne? Luke: No, Dad attacked the perfume guy. Claire: It's all about Gloria, Gloria, Gloria! Claire: You still my thunder with your tight dresses and you great ideas. Gloria: Your thunder is your thunder, and my thunder is my thunder. Phil: Hopefully you don't raise a serial killer. Cam: Apparently some maniac at the mall went crazy and attacked him with Oasis.