11/3/10 'Modern Family' Quotes: Chirp

A lot of Phil Dunphy this week on Modern Family.

Phil: Don't get too close to my wife.

Cam: I think that gay cruise has sailed.

Cam: You're not theatre folk.

Gloria: Where am I going to find another husband that wears sweatpants to work?

Jay: It's resort wear.

Gloria: Maybe last resort.

Many: What was that siren?

Jay: It was your mother.

Haley: I'm in bed with my mom. Stop freaking out, it's not coming true.

Phil: You care about germs? I've seen you kiss a pigeon on the lips.

Phil: Beep, Beep, you're not a man.

Phil: It's an apron. It's unisex.

Phil: I'm sorry, I burnt my ladyfingers.

Cam: How did you get on the set?

Mitchell: I walked on, It's not MGM.

Cam: It's called niche casting.

Cam: Don't you think this commercial is the tiniest bit racist?

Phil: Just need the old burglar basher.

'Modern Family' Quotes of the Night: Halloween

I don't think anyone can do Halloween better than Modern Family.

Phil: We love Halloween!

Claire:  I'm sparing you an entire day of guys asking you if you have a rough tongue.

Mitchell:  There are exactly 3 people in costumes.  A tool, a douche, and me.

Jay: It's Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, not carpool tunnel syndrome.

Claire:  Are you trying to get candy or Japanese businessmen?

Mitchell:  I'm trapped in the men's room and all I have on is a Spiderman costume.

Haley:  I'm Mother Teresa.  Back when she was hot.

Claire:  I'll pay you $10 to put on more clothes.

Jay:  Did she just get back from the dentist?

Cam:  I wanted to run too, but my hump got stuck on a rosebush.

Cam:  And then the townspeople started chasing me, and that's when I wet my pants.

Cam:  I lived on a farm... they lived in town, they were townspeople.

Gloria:  He came out of nowhere and he scared the Baby Jesus out of me.

Claire:  Halloween is a crazy-ass holiday!

Cam:  That's a lot of complaining for someone that asked for thirds of our tendoori turkey last year.