Modern Family Quotes from 'Caught in the Act'

Jay and Gloria are heading to Vegas for the weekend.  Phil and Claire are caught in the act.

Jay:  I'm pretty sure they are going to pat you down.

Gloria:  Make it come back!

Mitchell:  I'm going to need you to sparkle sweety!

Phil: Nothing is happening!

Claire:  We were having sex in front of our children.

Claire: Our children are downstairs, traumatized.

Gloria: Like the Peter Pan.

Jay:  Nobody wears tights or anything.

Gloria:  If they aren't wearing anything, I don't want them flying over my food.

Cam:  Oh, that Amelia!

Cam:  Let us play fast and loose with the menu

Phil:  We are not your parents, we're in much better shape.

Phil:  Knock, Knock  Who's there?  Someone who doesn't want to see their parents doing it.  So knock.

Luke:  He was right behind her.

Cam :  It was in Diane Keaton's house.

Mitchell:  $50,000 for a rug!

Cam:  Now I'm thinking it was Joan Collins' house.

Gloria:  It happened to me with another woman.  And I was the one getting it.

Gloria:  Taste my cupcakes.

Phil:  I'm going to pass out.

Phil:  Your wife was just the one that offered up her cupcakes.

Luke:  So it's a good thing Mom and Dad do sex.

Jay:  You Mom and I were watching a particularly racy episode of Hart to Hart.

Jay:  I have a thing for high-heeled boots.

Jay:  It's a naked picture of Gloria.

Phil: Whoa!

Cam:  We can't afford Joan Collins' rug.

Phil:  It's like your shaking hands, but your not shaking hands at all.

Phil:  Your Mom can't keep her hands of fme when the gun show comes to town.

Phil: Well use it all the time.

Luke:  Its hard for me to look at Dad afterwards.

Best Modern Family Quotes from: Our Children, Ourselves

Jay and Gloria have some "friends" staying over at the house, Mitchell may have an 8-year old son and Claire and Phil go to the movies.

Luke:  She has to eat, I did it out of love.

Cam:  I too took my fair share of ladies to the hen house.

Mitchell:  You're so gay you can't even think of real girl's names.

Cam: You naughty little girl!

Mitchell:  That's what happens when you give me Kahlua.

Phil:  Obviously Sanjay's parents don't care about him, or her.

Cam: Our children are just miniature versions of us.

Jay: Listening is your hobby?

Jay:  You were right, this is uncomfortable.

Mitchell:  She was with a red-headed boy who was about 8 years old.

Cam: Mitchell, I need to have my reaction.

Jay: Not some Bozos who glom on to you.

Gloria: Jays mind is going away.  Some nights it's like he's not even here.

Mitchell:  This could be my going bald scare all over again.

Phil: Something about all the Sanjays.

Claire:  Did she just say we are stupid?

Phil: Sweet... Croctopus tickets confirmed!

Manny:  He does swear a lot, and the worst is when he goes off into the woods.

Manny:  And the way he drives, I'm surprised he hasn't killed anyone yet.

Phil:  I may have a Twix up my sleeve.

Phil:  Why do I have to watch a French movie?  I didn't do anything wrong.

Claire:  Alex is right, we are idiots!

Claire: Croctopi..oooooo

Tracy: This takes me back to prom night.

Mitchell:  Sorry about that.

Tracy:  I called you after our little visit to the nurse's office.

Bobby: Little Slugger?

Jay:  I got around... Betty Rizzo....Leisle and Greta Von Trapp



Modern Family Quotes from 'Slow Down Your Neighbors'

Jay continues to be amazed by Gloria and Manny. There is a speeder in the neighborhood, and Claire is going to catch him, or her. Cam and Mitchell are just, Cam and Mitchell.

Cam: Mitchell, there's a stranger in our hot tub.

Mitchell: I'm calling 911.

Cam: He's straight. There's no weirdness.

Mitchell: Except for you turning into a 16-year old girl.

Claire: We are catching that speeder!

Phil: Luke I am your Father!

Phil: That's what I said to you when you were coming out of your Mom's lady parts.

Manny: There's a bunch of cool kids that ride their bikes to school. Thought i would join them.

Jay: Seven Hawking could ride that bike.

Jay: There's no reason you should stay upright. It just works.

Phil: When you are working with me, you are working with a friend.

Laura: God! I hope I don't have to fire you.

Cam: What about But, yet Rachel?

Cam: I don't feel safe in my own home.

Phil: Nobody remembers Scottie Pippen.

Jay: We're riding bikes, not training police dogs.

Jay: He was a natural.

Jay: Gloria was a natural disaster.

Jay: Good days work. Why don't you say we hit the jewelry store.

Laura: This woman needs to get laid.

Claire: I am doing this for the safety of our neighborhood.

Gloria:  Jay's a terrible teacher.

Gloria:  I'm riding the bike!

Cam:  Are you living in our daughter's princess castle?

Phil:  I wish I was one of those people who thrives on leading a double life.  Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, Hannah Montana.

Modern Family Quotes from "Strangers on a Treadmill"

I know it's a repeat episode, but it's a good one, highlighted by Cam's choice of shorts.

Enjoy the quotes.

Phil: Tonight is the SCARB

Phil: They asked me to "Phil" in.

Gloria: There wasn't a dry eye in the cartel.

Mitchell: Maybe there is a person in this world that looks good in bike shorts, but my boyfrirnd isn't him.

Micthell: You've never heard of Troga?

Mitchell: Troga is treadmill yoga.

Haley: I invented Mckenzie.

Haley: Do you want to be smart, or do you want to be popular?

Haley: If it was easy, everyone would be popular.

Cam: I'm leaning towards the park.

Claire: I can see that.

Cam: Yes, I would love to dress you.

Phil: I'm not saying realtor Scott Woosnam is old, but the first property he sold was a cave.

Jay: I'll pay 2 bucks per introduction.

Claire: You owe me a murder.

Cam: I hate your beard.

Cam: I'm not amazing, really?

Phil: Oh my God, I have no material at all.

Phil: But Phil Dunphy is no straight guy.

Phil: Mark recently moved into a new model. How are you Francine?

Jay: These people are Mi Familia.

Jay: Slow down there muchacho.

Phil: It's not what she sounds like.

Modern Family Quotes of the Night: Mother Tucker

The gang is dealing with a lot. Jay isn't feeling well, Haley breaks up with Dylan, and Manny gives medical advice.

Haley: Are you familiar with the term Dunphy party of one?

Cam: Missouri has a very vibrant cowboy poetry scene.

Mitchell: Cam loves his Mom.

Jay: Gloria thinks Americans are babies.

Manny: I'm not loving your color.

Claire: How long have I been paying this guy to make out with you?

Phil: Don't do Dylan like Linda "The Cannon" Kincannon did me.

Mitchell: Cam's Mother spent half of the dinner with her hands all over me.

Phil: Now that you are broken up you can call me whatever you like. Phil, P-Daddy.

Mitchell: Put your fingers all over my fanny. Your magic fingers.

Mitchell: Cam, put the doll down!

Dylan: I know a guy who can get me a pet bobcat.

Jay: Give me 15 minutes, then tell Florence Nightingale I went to the hospital.

Dylan: I got your texts, you swore a lot.

Phil: You're the other girl?

Gloria: Do you want me to burp you? Come here, come here.

Manny: It's true, it's usually the anesthesia that gets you.

Phil: His car is 30-years old and doesn't have a muffler.

Phil:  So Dylan, you get a chance to listen to that song i sent you?  Got seven minutes.