Modern Family Quotes from "Egg Drop"

Luke and Manny have a huge school project to design the best capsule that would protect an egg in a two-story drop, but when Claire and Jay catch wind of it, their own competitive drives kick in… and eventually take over. Meanwhile, Phil solicits the help of Haley and Gloria to sit as plants in the audience during a huge real estate presentation he has put together, and Mitch and Cam meet with prospective birth mothers.

Here are the quotes:

Phil: I want people to leave excited.

Haley: Oh, I think people will be excited to leave.

Alex: That design is my intellectual property.

Luke: What if I'm the container?

Manny: Aren't we all just fragile eggs?

Manny: There was life in those eyes, it was haunting.

Mitchell: Claire is the son my dad never had.

Jay: She's knee-deep in Luke's egg drop project.

Mitchell: We're meeting with perspective birth mothers.

Mitchell: You didn't need help carrying six scones.

Cam: You and me can't make a baby.

Phil: I need you to do a sound check for me.

Mitchell: We promised we would show her son all 52 states.

Cam: We're saving from a life searching for East Dakota.

Jay: I had to get in Claire's head.  

Mitchell: We're a little rusty.

Cam: I really am a clown.

Mitchell and Cam:  Don't go breaking my heart!

Gloria: That was not here!

Phil: A salesman's salesman!  A realtor's realtor!

Gloria: They are not stopping because I'm Latina.

Haley: Or that wasn't a cab.

Phil: I guess nobody needs a mouse pad.

Claire: I made the eggs that made you.

Cam: I wouldn't be a celbration without cider.

Cam: I can sing.

Gloria: All you do is put me on a pedestal.

Jay: We're going up another level.

Alex: They had as much to do with this project as the Manhattan Project.

Jay: You came out of the womb like that.

Alex: You're all just playing for second.

Haley: My feet look fat from this angle.

Modern Family Quotes from "Express Christmas"

The family is gathered at Jay and Gloria’s pool on a sunny December day, and that’s where they realize that everyone will be scattered this coming Christmas, so if they want to celebrate together, then it will have to be today! Everyone sets off with their respective duties for Express Christmas – Mitchell, Alex and Lily get the tree, Jay and Cameron are in charge of gift wrapping, Phil and Manny get the groceries, Gloria and Luke go retrieve the ornaments, and Claire and Haley shop for all the gifts.

Here we go with the quotes.

Jay: Yay, I just got my gift.

Haley: It was in her holiday newsletter.

Cam: We can spend Christmas in Missouri.

Cam: Who do you think we're seeing in Missouri, The Oakridge Boys?

Haley: Hey Math Club, can you get me some more lemonade?

Phil: Express Christmas, I just invented it.

Luke: With all the snatchings...

Cam: We have a mobile wrapping station.

Phil: On Prancer and Vixen.  That kind of worked out!

Alex: My mom told me it's Xmas in a text.

Gloria: Luke!

Luke: At what?

Mitchell: It needs to be a Douglas Fir, at least eight feet tall.

Alex: Oh symmetry, oh symmetry!

Lily: I have two daddy's.

Cam: Why so much tape, Jay?

Jay: Why are you wearing a sweater when it's 95 degrees out?

Jay: How would I remember having win with my son's boyfriend?

Claire: And one more pack of gum.

Manny: Why don't you put a sign on me that says "free kid"?

Phil: Mint condition....   Fair condition..... Garbage

Luke: Smells like moth balls, just like Grandma.

Gloria: Never look back!

Alex: Maybe we can salvage it.

Jay: Tough to decorate the tree with no tree.

Luke: I got the tire marks off the wings.

Mitchell: Here comes the tree.

Alex: Here comes more of the tree.

Gloria: Is that my stun gun?

Mitchell: This looks like the lady she used to be before she became an angel.

Manny: I risked my life grocery shopping.

Gloria: It makes everyday December 16.

Phil: I picked it up when we stopped for gas.

Cam: He loves dog antlers.

Modern Family Quotes From 'Dude Ranch: When Good Kids Go Bad'

The season premiere of Modern Family finds the gang heading to Jackson Hole, Wyoming for some vacation time together.

What could possibly go wrong?

Here are the quotes:

Phil: I reckon we'll be landing soon

Gloria: I'm like that horse whisperer

Claire:  Where's a cliff when you need one?

Manny: Do we book spa treatments through you?

Jay: Shootin', ropin' pancake eatin'.

Cam: Trey macho!

Mitchell: I want to be able to teach my son all the things my father taught Claire.

Luke: I need to find the perfect thing to blow up.

Gloria: Is this like a lobster, do I get to pick one for dinner?

Michell: I was afraid that cow over there might bite me.

Dylan: You want me to go home?

Cam: Next time I'll catch it and hand it to you.

Claire: Not now, not then, not ever!

Mitchell: You know what happens in real life when someone gets hit in the head with a ladder?

Manny: He left his luggage.

Alex: Not a Mario Brother....

Guide: Me and Cactus Flower will ride up to Destiny Ridge.

Luke: Can you keep a secret?

Mitchell:  I kept a pretty big one for 22-years.

Luke: After this we're going to have some Angry Birds!

Mitchell: Cam, I did a boy thing!  I blew up a birdhouse.

Dylan: You're a high school student and I'm a ranch hand.

Phil:  I'll only be checking "somewhat satisfied" on our comment card.  He's good with the kids.

Phil: Just like the horny cowboy said we would.

Part II

Phil:  Honey, did you pull from the bottom again?

Cam: We decided to go a little more low-key this time.

Cam: Bye see you soon, or never!

Lily: We bought matching hats.

Gloria: I didn't mean anything about the neck tie, just trying to make a point.

Gloria: What's with the looks, it's like a silent movie in here.

Gloria: Now he's the jewelry thief.

Gloria: What was he thinking, it's not even real gold.

Mitchell: My French braiding is sloppy.

Manny: I am a first time offender.

Gloria: This is you Ha-Ha moment.

Mitchell: We really need to get Cam's coddling problem under control.

Gloria: Drive before he rethinks the pants.

Cam: She looks like she wa dipped in glue and dragged through a flea market.

Luke: Grandpa said you used to live in a closet.

Gloria: You'd be surprised what people can live with, Jay.

Claire: I was right, suck it!

Mitchell: Cam wears her like a fanny pack.

Mitchell: How long was I in that dryer.  Maybe that's why I'm afraid of tumbling.

Jay: We clink when we say we clink!

Luke: Something sleeps over there.

Modern Family Quotes of the Night from 'The One That Got Away'

It's the season finale and it's also Jay's birthday.  All he wants is some peace and quiet and to go fishing.  Gloria has other plans...

Here are the quotes.

Mitchell:  Permission to come aboard.

Jay:  They almost lost me last month with that chorizo.

Gloria:  It's a sausage, not our flag.

Manny:  I only used this once to take a torte out of the oven.

Manny:  I have a tennis racquet upstairs I only use as a bubble bath frother.

Phil:  One day I had to park an Aston Martin. I'll try not to dent that one.

Claire:  Mine's down there getting rabies on it.

Claire:  He didn't stop for the screaming sailor in a tree.

Claire:  Where did you get a sailor suit on short notice.

Cam:  It's not what you think, I'm talking to a little boy.

Jay;  How did you get kicked out of a bakery?

Cam:  She can be mean in Spanish.

Haley:  I can't talk about Grandpa dressed like this.

Luke:  Grandpa is really cool, one time he let me drink some of his beer.   Root beer.

Gloria:  It's a little see thru.

Gloria:  I think I found something that will make my husband very happy.

Phil:  Very happy Gloria!

Gloria:  Phil, I need you....

Jay:  You think that's funny, Popeye?

Mitchell:  Sorry you said wrecked 'em.

Manny:  She wants to go on a date to the batting cage.

Jay:  Sparks are up by 8, if anyone cares.

Jay:  I thought of taking up the saxophone.  Is this the sexy phone?

Haley:  Now you are dork of the night.

Modern Family Quotes from 'See You Next Fall'

The whole family has gathered at Jay's before heading out to Alex's graduation ceremony from middle school, but while at the house, Jay is preoccupied hiding a botox mishap from everyone, Cameron is upset about Mitchell's habit of laughing at his expense, and Phil and Claire think about how fast the kids are growing up.

Alex:  He misses a few weeks when the robot he was working on attacked him.

Phil:  It was kind of a grande deal.  I was up against a Puerto Rican.

Phil: Otherwise what happens in Vegas won't happen to me, because  I won't be there.

Jay: My clicker won't work. 

Mitchell:  If I wasn't gay before...

Phil:  Until 2 pm tomorrow, when my flight leaves for Vegas.

Jay:  I got botox, and now it's drifting.

Haley:  Nobody wants to think, it's a graduation.

Manny:  I'm trying to rule out a stroke.

Cam:  I'm just saying it's a character flaw.

Mitchell:  The pool popped!

Manny:  Well, I'll be graduating.

Cam:  Now it makes sense, it's a Pritchett thing.

Claire:  His face looks like a candle.

Cam:  What were you thinking you're a veteran.

Phil:  Do you think he got his butt done too?

Haley:  You'll be a social piranha!

Claire:  As a gate owner you have a certain responsibility.

Phil:  Hysterical wife, hysterical wife, hysterical wife, jackpot!

Cam:  I need a paperclip, some olive oil and a ribbon.

Gloria:  I keep hitting my boobs with my knees.

Phil:  Grab a handful, don't be shy.

Gloria:  It's my bathroom too, and I like when the old guy is there.

Claire:  She became a moody, little, texting princess.

Phil: Me nombre es Fillipe.

Alex:  Don't stop believing, let's get this party started.

Cam:  Your speech moved me.

Haley:  I'm kind of hungry Mom.

Phil:  Oh my God, she's back!