Modern Family Quotes from "Me? Jealous"

Phil has a great business opportunity and Jay and Gloria welcome Cam and Mitchell as temporary houseguests.

Here are the quotes:

Phil: You're my dream.

Haley: Technically, I am a big sister.

Jay: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer.

Cam: Fred and Ginger?

Gloria: Who?

Phil: For sale...sold

Claire: He kissed me on the lips.

Phil: Good sign!

Cam: Kind of like The Help, but Deliliah was white and quite a racist.

Jay: Booker Bell was the greatest DJ in the history of radio.

Jay: I met Boz Scaggs once, got all tongue tied.

Jay: Booker Bell, I'm Boz Scaggs.

Jay: My God, it's like she's here.

Mitchell: Could I talk to Grandma Groovy?

Phil: I just got Sycamore.

Cam: I rearranged your kitchen.

Phil: I don't like the way that kid was looking at you.

Alex; You're the one that tries to read.

Alex: He is kind of our little sister.

Cam: It may help him with that train wreck Danielle.

Phil: You can take her to bed, but you can't make her laugh.

Phil: We're late for getting home.

Claire: Betty Luke, sit down while Daddy gets the camera.

Phil: Good to see you Betty Luke.

Modern Family Quotes from 'See You Next Fall'

The whole family has gathered at Jay's before heading out to Alex's graduation ceremony from middle school, but while at the house, Jay is preoccupied hiding a botox mishap from everyone, Cameron is upset about Mitchell's habit of laughing at his expense, and Phil and Claire think about how fast the kids are growing up.

Alex:  He misses a few weeks when the robot he was working on attacked him.

Phil:  It was kind of a grande deal.  I was up against a Puerto Rican.

Phil: Otherwise what happens in Vegas won't happen to me, because  I won't be there.

Jay: My clicker won't work. 

Mitchell:  If I wasn't gay before...

Phil:  Until 2 pm tomorrow, when my flight leaves for Vegas.

Jay:  I got botox, and now it's drifting.

Haley:  Nobody wants to think, it's a graduation.

Manny:  I'm trying to rule out a stroke.

Cam:  I'm just saying it's a character flaw.

Mitchell:  The pool popped!

Manny:  Well, I'll be graduating.

Cam:  Now it makes sense, it's a Pritchett thing.

Claire:  His face looks like a candle.

Cam:  What were you thinking you're a veteran.

Phil:  Do you think he got his butt done too?

Haley:  You'll be a social piranha!

Claire:  As a gate owner you have a certain responsibility.

Phil:  Hysterical wife, hysterical wife, hysterical wife, jackpot!

Cam:  I need a paperclip, some olive oil and a ribbon.

Gloria:  I keep hitting my boobs with my knees.

Phil:  Grab a handful, don't be shy.

Gloria:  It's my bathroom too, and I like when the old guy is there.

Claire:  She became a moody, little, texting princess.

Phil: Me nombre es Fillipe.

Alex:  Don't stop believing, let's get this party started.

Cam:  Your speech moved me.

Haley:  I'm kind of hungry Mom.

Phil:  Oh my God, she's back!

Modern Family Quotes from 'Mother's Day'

A Mother's Day in the great outdoors and Jay and Phil take over the cooking duties.

Here are tonight's quotes:

Haley: It's perverted.  it looks like you were felt up by the creepy guy around the corner.

Gloria:  A necklace made of the Fruit Loops.

Manny:   Those aren't real Fruit Loops they are generic.

Mitchell:  Today is your day.

Cam:  It's Mother's Day Mitchell.

Cam:  I'm a woman!

Mitchell:  Scratch the balloons, she's on a mood.

Jay:  Were not doing that.

Haley:  I'm getting dust in my mouth.

Gloria:  You have to appreciate nature, soon this will be a mall.

Mitchell:  It's Mother's Day, not martyr's day.

Cam:  I could snap you like a twig.

Manny:  That was poison oak, I think the rash is spreading.

Gloria:  You can't bitch all day, because you aren't at the beach all day.

Alex:  If we are thoughtless, how can we think?

Phil:  Onion goggles, no more tears when I cook.

Claire:  Sometimes I want to punch my kids.

Gloria:  He's persnickety.

Gloria:  Go outside, kick a ball, steal something.

Luke:  Wake up and smell the internet, Grandma!

Phil:  I shamed the proud lion.  Only thing to do, hug the proud lion.

Cam:  They think of me as a woman.

Mitchell:  Your slightly "mommer"

Mitchell:  Oh God, he looks old!   Hands!

Gloria:  I curse my tongue!

Manny:  There was some horrible stuff said about my poetry.

Claire: That's healthy.

Mitchell:  Put down the scotch, you're not fooling anyone.

Cam: It's so burning!

Haley: We're your mother now!

Gloria: You cried for your Mommy!

Mitchell:  She taught me to twirl.

Gloria: On my God, it's happening again.

Cam: Don't even try, I have that pottery class in the morning.