Modern Family Quotes from "Aunt Mommy"

Phil closes a big deal, so they head out to a celebratory dinner where they proceed to over-indulge in drinks, which leads to some over-sharing, and finally results in waking up the next morning hung over and begging the question – if you’ll do anything for family, shouldn’t there still be a line drawn somewhere?

Here are the quotes:

Haley: She has super good hearing like a seeing eye dog.

Mitchell: It's about Steven and Stefan.

Phil: What was Elton John's sexual orientation in the 70's.

Girls: Bi!

Haley: Who fills a vase with marbles?

Gloria: He said he was taking his morning constitutional.

Jay: I cannot stress to you how much this kid needs football.

Manny: Jay, could you steep my tea?

Phil: Commission impossible.

Steven and Stefan: We are not losing this house to Luke and Leon.

Phil: Commission accomplished.

Cam: What wonderful parents you are!

Mitchell: Maybe we should think about this swirl.

Gloria: Run Manny, Run!

Claire: These kids are going to survive.

Gloria: You made Manny play the American football.  he got stampeded.

Gloria: You are skating on thin egg shells right now.

Mitchell: That game exists, it's called alcoholism.

Mitchell: The baby is clearly Mexican.

Phil: I vaguely remember someone crying.

Claire: I make really good babies.

Phil: I think we are all having a baby.

Phil: Sweet potato fries.

Phil: What are the chances your eggs even work.

Cam: This is what my baby with Claire would look like.

Cam: This is me and Justin Timberlake.

Mitchell: Say hi to your "Aunt Mommy"

Manny: The manual specially says no towing.

Alex: You and Uncle Cam are having a baby,

Luke: Why, because Lily is such a mess.

Cam: Maybe we are pioneers.

Mitchell: We are not pioneers, you have three different hair dryers for different types of weather.

Jay: Cam and Claire want to have a baby together,

Gloria: It's a freak show, but it;s their freak show.

Jay: Now we have to inbreed?

Alex: I always wanted a half-cousin, half-brother.

Gloria: We put the gum at the bottom of your walking stick.

Mitchell: We played God, look what we brought forth.

Modern Family Quotes from "Me? Jealous"

Phil has a great business opportunity and Jay and Gloria welcome Cam and Mitchell as temporary houseguests.

Here are the quotes:

Phil: You're my dream.

Haley: Technically, I am a big sister.

Jay: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer.

Cam: Fred and Ginger?

Gloria: Who?

Phil: For sale...sold

Claire: He kissed me on the lips.

Phil: Good sign!

Cam: Kind of like The Help, but Deliliah was white and quite a racist.

Jay: Booker Bell was the greatest DJ in the history of radio.

Jay: I met Boz Scaggs once, got all tongue tied.

Jay: Booker Bell, I'm Boz Scaggs.

Jay: My God, it's like she's here.

Mitchell: Could I talk to Grandma Groovy?

Phil: I just got Sycamore.

Cam: I rearranged your kitchen.

Phil: I don't like the way that kid was looking at you.

Alex; You're the one that tries to read.

Alex: He is kind of our little sister.

Cam: It may help him with that train wreck Danielle.

Phil: You can take her to bed, but you can't make her laugh.

Phil: We're late for getting home.

Claire: Betty Luke, sit down while Daddy gets the camera.

Phil: Good to see you Betty Luke.

Modern Family Quotes From "Little Bo Bleep"

Claire has a televised debate as she tries to win a city council seat.  Lily is going to be a flower girl and she also learns a bad word, and Jay blames Gloria for the dog's behavior.

Here are the quotes.

Phil: Some voters find Claire angry and unlikeable!

Claire: How many people read the Weekly Saver?

Phil: Spooky but better.

Cam: I was a three-time ring bearer.

Cam: Or Little Bo Cheap?

Jay: Why don't you greet me at the door wagging your tail?

Manny: I got caught up in my couponing.

Gloria: Why does she bark at the vacuum?

Claire: I thought the moderator was supposed to be objective.

Luke: I'm bored.  i feel like I'm in school.

Luke: You have to be ready for hecklers.

Haley: You were showing me the bad side of your face.

Phil: She's ready.

Cam: I have two weaknesses; children swearing and old people rapping.

Mitchell: I have two children.

Haley: Mom, don't go viral.

Gloria: We are going to cheer for you, no matter what you say.

Jay: She might be suicidal.

Gloria: She's just stupid.

Duane: I like to call them bottomless pits of need.

Jay: This man won a Pugly.

Mitchell: We leave town on Gay Pride Weekend because we don't like the traffic.

Phil: She's in the zone.

Duane: Your husband was questioned at a hotel for lewd and lascivious behavior.

Cam: This is my new favorite show.

Duane: I have some talking puggles I'd like to sell you.

Voter: Are you sex freaks?

Jay: It's like watching the Hindenburg.

Phil: I'm Phil Dunphy and I'm not a pervert.

Phil: No charges were filed.

Claire: We went viral.

Gloria: No Jay, I wanted to take a little swim before going to the wedding.

Manny: It was phenomenal television.

Luke: She looks like a Lite Brite.

Cam: Ships at sea wouldn't miss Lily.

Cam: You know I cry at weddings.

Gloria: She was trying to get to the squeaky weiner.

Modern Family Quotes from "Express Christmas"

The family is gathered at Jay and Gloria’s pool on a sunny December day, and that’s where they realize that everyone will be scattered this coming Christmas, so if they want to celebrate together, then it will have to be today! Everyone sets off with their respective duties for Express Christmas – Mitchell, Alex and Lily get the tree, Jay and Cameron are in charge of gift wrapping, Phil and Manny get the groceries, Gloria and Luke go retrieve the ornaments, and Claire and Haley shop for all the gifts.

Here we go with the quotes.

Jay: Yay, I just got my gift.

Haley: It was in her holiday newsletter.

Cam: We can spend Christmas in Missouri.

Cam: Who do you think we're seeing in Missouri, The Oakridge Boys?

Haley: Hey Math Club, can you get me some more lemonade?

Phil: Express Christmas, I just invented it.

Luke: With all the snatchings...

Cam: We have a mobile wrapping station.

Phil: On Prancer and Vixen.  That kind of worked out!

Alex: My mom told me it's Xmas in a text.

Gloria: Luke!

Luke: At what?

Mitchell: It needs to be a Douglas Fir, at least eight feet tall.

Alex: Oh symmetry, oh symmetry!

Lily: I have two daddy's.

Cam: Why so much tape, Jay?

Jay: Why are you wearing a sweater when it's 95 degrees out?

Jay: How would I remember having win with my son's boyfriend?

Claire: And one more pack of gum.

Manny: Why don't you put a sign on me that says "free kid"?

Phil: Mint condition....   Fair condition..... Garbage

Luke: Smells like moth balls, just like Grandma.

Gloria: Never look back!

Alex: Maybe we can salvage it.

Jay: Tough to decorate the tree with no tree.

Luke: I got the tire marks off the wings.

Mitchell: Here comes the tree.

Alex: Here comes more of the tree.

Gloria: Is that my stun gun?

Mitchell: This looks like the lady she used to be before she became an angel.

Manny: I risked my life grocery shopping.

Gloria: It makes everyday December 16.

Phil: I picked it up when we stopped for gas.

Cam: He loves dog antlers.

Modern Family Quotes from "Punkin Chunkin"

It's Thanksgiving on Modern Family and the family members ask "what if?"

Phil wonders whether he would have been a better person, father and husband, if he had applied himself more. Jay (Ed O'Neill) decides Manny (Rico Rodriguez) could use a little more constructive criticism, if only to toughen him up and improve his chances when he becomes a man. And Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) takes it personally after a well-meaning Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) questions the veracity of some of his more fanciful childhood stories.

It all comes to a head at Thanksgiving with the family divided between the “Dreamers” and the “Pritchetts."

Here are the quotes.

Phil: At least buy me dinner first!

Phil: He was the sweet kid who lived next door.

Phil: Why hug when you can man shake.

Cam: I think I have to tell my Punkin Chunkin Story.

Cam: The pumpkin sails through the air, goal post to goal post.

Manny: My juices were really flowing on this one.

Jay: Centerpieces for starters.

Jay: This thing is a horn of ugly.

Haley: Ease up it's a holiday.

Kenneth: I'm in town to buy a blimp.

Kenneth: What would Phil Dunphy do?

Phil: He's me and he's spectacular.

Haley: Saying nothing isn't lying.

Mitchell: It was a supportive Wah Wah

Cam: Rain or shine, there's always a bumper crop of stories.

Phil: I bet this is how the French do Thanksgiving.

Luke: Why aren't we the jillionaires?

Manny: I think this might be a job for cumin.

Claire: Do you know what is illegal in Europe? Nothing!

Phil: Sometimes I need to be pumped up and frilly.

Phil: You're folding my dreams!

Phil: I love your "I Love You", getting sick of your but.

Manny: You hit those potholes pretty hard.

Jay: I saw them.

Jay: It's great and it's grrrrrrrrrrreeeeaaat

Manny: He said it was a swing and a miss.

Phil: The real Head Scratcher TM

Phil: It's like a 1,000 tiny angels are line dancing on my scalp.

Phil: Let's settle this, Dreamers vs. Pritchetts.

Jay: I'm just trying to get the kid ready for life.

Gloria: We only hvae one pumpkin and we just chunked it.

Manny: Maybe if this works, we should launch my centerpeice next.

Claire: Three more seconds and you would've got away with it.