Modern Family Quotes From "After the Fire"

The neighbor's home burns down and the whole family rallies and organizes a community drive to help do some good - though it's not all good, as Jay throws out his back, Cameron does some posturing with a huge moving truck, Claire discovers that Mitchell and Gloria have been spending a lot of time together, and Luke and Manny get their hands on some of the donated toys.

unbelievable episode of Modern Family.

Here are the quotes:

Phil: They are friends with Wonder Woman over here.

Phil: Rand Aid was her idea.

Cam: I was so upset I couldn't sleep for days.

Cam I sleep clown.

Phil: They took the "tube dude" with them

Mitchell: At least something got plowed that night.

Phil: I was bitten by the rub bug.

Gloria: When your house burns down, you get one of these.

Gloria: This is the box of snickers snackers.

Mitchell: She lost her cell phone at Pilates.

Claire: Good news girls, you're going with Uncle Cam.

Phil: if the printer breaks from here, I can fix it on the phone.

Phil: Just disrobe and place the towel over your buttocks.

Cam: Do you want a burger or not?

Cam: I'm too sexy for this truck.

Cam: Surprising, a gay man can drive a truck?

Cam: Holding hands, we're not in a nose dive.

Phil: Let me transport you to a land I call Relaxistan.

Jay: I love you...this.

Claire: Life is so fragile.

Gloria; Like a vase.

Phil: An Alpaca, I got the last one.

Alex: We're tilted at a 30 degree angle.

Manny: If we don't find this helicopter, I'm walking to Canada.

Alex: You have your fans, I have mine.

Alex: Someday your fans will work for my fans.

Phil: I have three kids and at least one is going to college.

Phil: It had a happy ending.

Alex: I learned five new curse words.

Haley: Mostly from Cam.

Modern Family Quotes from "Treehouse"

Gloria insists on a night of salsa dancing with Jay; Cameron goes too far when Mitchell and a friend challenge him to get a hot woman's number and can Phil build a tree house?

Here are the quotes:

Phil:  I'm building Luke a tree house.

Phil: Those geese would've followed me to the wetlands.

Gloria: Jay hates the rainbows.

Gloria: Jay also hates running.

Cam: The waitress is floating with me.

Cam: I met Julia Roberts once at an AIDS walk.

Shorty: Hear that Jay, I never stop!

Cam: It's ironic, like the Gift of the Vagi.

Cam: Wham bam, thank you Cam!

Phil:  America was built with nails.

Phil: Racoons will get territorial and will attack.

Haley: Dear college, cheese makes me gassy, see you in September.

Haley: Gabby's mom is a hoarder.  That essay will pretty much write itself.

Mitchell: She had the world's worst Gaydar!

Cam: People at the time said I could go Gerber.

Cam: I want you to have a seat on the Chaise lounge.

Manny: The forbidden dance only makes me want it more.

Gloria: Who doesn't like the coconut?

Mitchell: How did it go, heartbreaker?

Cam: Help me ungay the place!

Manny: You're dancing, not invading Poland.

Mitchell: A gay man who hates dancing lives in a lonely little world.

Phil: Maybe I need a nail gun.

Luke: I think a nail is going to be harder to get out of my hair.

Cam: How fun is that handbag?

Cam: I'm fairly gay.  I'm gay.

Katie: Your theatrical hand gestures.

Cam:  You're the whole package, I just prefer somebody who has one.

Cam: I need a drink a doodle doo.

Claire: Use spell check!

Mitchell: The drug I gave him, baby aspirin.

Claire: He's a bad ass black man who gives me instant street cred.

Modern Family Quotes From "Hit and Run"

Claire might run for public office and Jay is frustrated at work.  Oh, also Mitchell and Cam are fighting.

Here are the quotes:

Phil: Who's Duane Bailey and how do we hate him?

Claire: Puggle breeder?

Cam: This guy broght his kids, Mitchell?

Cam: I'm terrified to see it, that's whey we are here during the day.

Mitchell:  It's The Muppet Movie, we were in the wrong theater.

Gloria: Yea, and soda was a nickel.

Gloria: Do you want me to learn you English?

Manny: You're going to school not boarding a flight to Denver.

Gloria: I have all the answers.

Jay: I wanted to hang myself.

Haley: I need to borrow some money, $900.

Phil: Maybe change out of sweaty gym clothes once in  while.

Phil: It must be so hard being a single mom.

Phil: I want to be the one to push you off the cliff.

Phil: I'm turned on by powerful women: Michelle Obama, Condollezza Rice, Oprah, and Serena Williams.

Mitchell: We just got rear-ended!

Cam: I sustained a minor mouth injury.

Luke: It's in a block of ice.  I heard about rich guys with frozen assets.

Duane: Don't wuit you lack of a day job.

Claire: I'm no bored housewife.

Luke: Where's mom?

Phil: She belongs to the people now.

Jay: He wants more Wow!

Manny: It's the Bieberization of America.

Jay: What do beavers have to do with it.

Mitchell: This one thinks he Dirty Harry.

Cam: He wasn't armed, he had a Hillary bumper sticker.

Claire: What happened to your face?

Luke: Dad hit me.

Phil: No cops, we can't afford a scandal right now.  Claire is running for town council.

Manny: I know how the mafia would handle this.

Gloria: I'm going to give you the right answer, because I have all of them.

Gloria: I was talking about my cousin Mary Conchita.

Gloria: What killed her two weeks later was a bus.

Phil: Either he gives us the money or he gets a private performance from England Dan and John Ford Coley.

Phil:  I would've treated him to a reunion of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.

Mitchell: I got grass stains.

Gloria: Claire has decided to run for Mayor of the town.

Phil and Luke:  Ha ha assets.

Jay: Same exact closet.

Cam: We didn't need fake I.D.s on the farm.

Phil: I used mine to rent some bowling shoes and never returned them.  Bet they spent a long time looking for Dr. Richard Hertz.  Get it...

Modern Family Quotes From "Door to Door"

Claire takes up a new cause, Jay gets involved with manny's school fundraiser and Gloria searches for Stella.

Here are the quotes:

Claire: Girls, let's cool on the gossip.  Her mom...

Phil: Goota keep moving, gotta keep the heart rate up.

Gloria:  What are you afraid of?  Some money is going to fly in?

Jay: A good salesman goes after Moby Dick in a row boat with tarta sauce on him.

Cam: Is that a 5 or a curl?

Luke: How many moms does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Luke: Put on pants!

Claire: I do rock.

Manny: It got me two things: diddly and squat.

Cam: Stella! Stella!

Cam: Just ike in "Streetcar"

Phil:  If he wants to go in a restaurant and pretend we are Australian...

Mitchell:  I am not the messy one.  That is why she broke up with me.

Manny:  Hello ma'am, do you enjoy Christmas?

Lady: Actually I'm Jewish.

Manny: Than you appreciate a good value.

Claire: Me and Norma Rae, and the lady from The Blindside.

Phil: I'm sorry, the African-American kid.

Girl: Blanche.

Cam: Mitchell would die.

Manny: I had a carrot at 3.

Manny: You'll never go broke playing to a rich guy's ego.  Write that down.

Guy: Make it quick, this is an ice cream cake.

Claire: Let's start saving lives one intersection at a time.

Phil: That appears to be an ice cream cake.

Phil: Baby, I can do anything in 2 minutes.

Cam: I don't like to clean up, it's smelly, it's sticky.

Phil: John Phillip Souza!

Luke: 78 views, we are on our way!

Modern Family Quotes From 'Dude Ranch: When Good Kids Go Bad'

The season premiere of Modern Family finds the gang heading to Jackson Hole, Wyoming for some vacation time together.

What could possibly go wrong?

Here are the quotes:

Phil: I reckon we'll be landing soon

Gloria: I'm like that horse whisperer

Claire:  Where's a cliff when you need one?

Manny: Do we book spa treatments through you?

Jay: Shootin', ropin' pancake eatin'.

Cam: Trey macho!

Mitchell: I want to be able to teach my son all the things my father taught Claire.

Luke: I need to find the perfect thing to blow up.

Gloria: Is this like a lobster, do I get to pick one for dinner?

Michell: I was afraid that cow over there might bite me.

Dylan: You want me to go home?

Cam: Next time I'll catch it and hand it to you.

Claire: Not now, not then, not ever!

Mitchell: You know what happens in real life when someone gets hit in the head with a ladder?

Manny: He left his luggage.

Alex: Not a Mario Brother....

Guide: Me and Cactus Flower will ride up to Destiny Ridge.

Luke: Can you keep a secret?

Mitchell:  I kept a pretty big one for 22-years.

Luke: After this we're going to have some Angry Birds!

Mitchell: Cam, I did a boy thing!  I blew up a birdhouse.

Dylan: You're a high school student and I'm a ranch hand.

Phil:  I'll only be checking "somewhat satisfied" on our comment card.  He's good with the kids.

Phil: Just like the horny cowboy said we would.

Part II

Phil:  Honey, did you pull from the bottom again?

Cam: We decided to go a little more low-key this time.

Cam: Bye see you soon, or never!

Lily: We bought matching hats.

Gloria: I didn't mean anything about the neck tie, just trying to make a point.

Gloria: What's with the looks, it's like a silent movie in here.

Gloria: Now he's the jewelry thief.

Gloria: What was he thinking, it's not even real gold.

Mitchell: My French braiding is sloppy.

Manny: I am a first time offender.

Gloria: This is you Ha-Ha moment.

Mitchell: We really need to get Cam's coddling problem under control.

Gloria: Drive before he rethinks the pants.

Cam: She looks like she wa dipped in glue and dragged through a flea market.

Luke: Grandpa said you used to live in a closet.

Gloria: You'd be surprised what people can live with, Jay.

Claire: I was right, suck it!

Mitchell: Cam wears her like a fanny pack.

Mitchell: How long was I in that dryer.  Maybe that's why I'm afraid of tumbling.

Jay: We clink when we say we clink!

Luke: Something sleeps over there.