Modern Family Quotes from "Punkin Chunkin"

It's Thanksgiving on Modern Family and the family members ask "what if?"

Phil wonders whether he would have been a better person, father and husband, if he had applied himself more. Jay (Ed O'Neill) decides Manny (Rico Rodriguez) could use a little more constructive criticism, if only to toughen him up and improve his chances when he becomes a man. And Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) takes it personally after a well-meaning Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) questions the veracity of some of his more fanciful childhood stories.

It all comes to a head at Thanksgiving with the family divided between the “Dreamers” and the “Pritchetts."

Here are the quotes.

Phil: At least buy me dinner first!

Phil: He was the sweet kid who lived next door.

Phil: Why hug when you can man shake.

Cam: I think I have to tell my Punkin Chunkin Story.

Cam: The pumpkin sails through the air, goal post to goal post.

Manny: My juices were really flowing on this one.

Jay: Centerpieces for starters.

Jay: This thing is a horn of ugly.

Haley: Ease up it's a holiday.

Kenneth: I'm in town to buy a blimp.

Kenneth: What would Phil Dunphy do?

Phil: He's me and he's spectacular.

Haley: Saying nothing isn't lying.

Mitchell: It was a supportive Wah Wah

Cam: Rain or shine, there's always a bumper crop of stories.

Phil: I bet this is how the French do Thanksgiving.

Luke: Why aren't we the jillionaires?

Manny: I think this might be a job for cumin.

Claire: Do you know what is illegal in Europe? Nothing!

Phil: Sometimes I need to be pumped up and frilly.

Phil: You're folding my dreams!

Phil: I love your "I Love You", getting sick of your but.

Manny: You hit those potholes pretty hard.

Jay: I saw them.

Jay: It's great and it's grrrrrrrrrrreeeeaaat

Manny: He said it was a swing and a miss.

Phil: The real Head Scratcher TM

Phil: It's like a 1,000 tiny angels are line dancing on my scalp.

Phil: Let's settle this, Dreamers vs. Pritchetts.

Jay: I'm just trying to get the kid ready for life.

Gloria: We only hvae one pumpkin and we just chunked it.

Manny: Maybe if this works, we should launch my centerpeice next.

Claire: Three more seconds and you would've got away with it.

Modern Family Quotes From "Hit and Run"

Claire might run for public office and Jay is frustrated at work.  Oh, also Mitchell and Cam are fighting.

Here are the quotes:

Phil: Who's Duane Bailey and how do we hate him?

Claire: Puggle breeder?

Cam: This guy broght his kids, Mitchell?

Cam: I'm terrified to see it, that's whey we are here during the day.

Mitchell:  It's The Muppet Movie, we were in the wrong theater.

Gloria: Yea, and soda was a nickel.

Gloria: Do you want me to learn you English?

Manny: You're going to school not boarding a flight to Denver.

Gloria: I have all the answers.

Jay: I wanted to hang myself.

Haley: I need to borrow some money, $900.

Phil: Maybe change out of sweaty gym clothes once in  while.

Phil: It must be so hard being a single mom.

Phil: I want to be the one to push you off the cliff.

Phil: I'm turned on by powerful women: Michelle Obama, Condollezza Rice, Oprah, and Serena Williams.

Mitchell: We just got rear-ended!

Cam: I sustained a minor mouth injury.

Luke: It's in a block of ice.  I heard about rich guys with frozen assets.

Duane: Don't wuit you lack of a day job.

Claire: I'm no bored housewife.

Luke: Where's mom?

Phil: She belongs to the people now.

Jay: He wants more Wow!

Manny: It's the Bieberization of America.

Jay: What do beavers have to do with it.

Mitchell: This one thinks he Dirty Harry.

Cam: He wasn't armed, he had a Hillary bumper sticker.

Claire: What happened to your face?

Luke: Dad hit me.

Phil: No cops, we can't afford a scandal right now.  Claire is running for town council.

Manny: I know how the mafia would handle this.

Gloria: I'm going to give you the right answer, because I have all of them.

Gloria: I was talking about my cousin Mary Conchita.

Gloria: What killed her two weeks later was a bus.

Phil: Either he gives us the money or he gets a private performance from England Dan and John Ford Coley.

Phil:  I would've treated him to a reunion of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.

Mitchell: I got grass stains.

Gloria: Claire has decided to run for Mayor of the town.

Phil and Luke:  Ha ha assets.

Jay: Same exact closet.

Cam: We didn't need fake I.D.s on the farm.

Phil: I used mine to rent some bowling shoes and never returned them.  Bet they spent a long time looking for Dr. Richard Hertz.  Get it...

Modern Family Quotes from 'Mother's Day'

A Mother's Day in the great outdoors and Jay and Phil take over the cooking duties.

Here are tonight's quotes:

Haley: It's perverted.  it looks like you were felt up by the creepy guy around the corner.

Gloria:  A necklace made of the Fruit Loops.

Manny:   Those aren't real Fruit Loops they are generic.

Mitchell:  Today is your day.

Cam:  It's Mother's Day Mitchell.

Cam:  I'm a woman!

Mitchell:  Scratch the balloons, she's on a mood.

Jay:  Were not doing that.

Haley:  I'm getting dust in my mouth.

Gloria:  You have to appreciate nature, soon this will be a mall.

Mitchell:  It's Mother's Day, not martyr's day.

Cam:  I could snap you like a twig.

Manny:  That was poison oak, I think the rash is spreading.

Gloria:  You can't bitch all day, because you aren't at the beach all day.

Alex:  If we are thoughtless, how can we think?

Phil:  Onion goggles, no more tears when I cook.

Claire:  Sometimes I want to punch my kids.

Gloria:  He's persnickety.

Gloria:  Go outside, kick a ball, steal something.

Luke:  Wake up and smell the internet, Grandma!

Phil:  I shamed the proud lion.  Only thing to do, hug the proud lion.

Cam:  They think of me as a woman.

Mitchell:  Your slightly "mommer"

Mitchell:  Oh God, he looks old!   Hands!

Gloria:  I curse my tongue!

Manny:  There was some horrible stuff said about my poetry.

Claire: That's healthy.

Mitchell:  Put down the scotch, you're not fooling anyone.

Cam: It's so burning!

Haley: We're your mother now!

Gloria: You cried for your Mommy!

Mitchell:  She taught me to twirl.

Gloria: On my God, it's happening again.

Cam: Don't even try, I have that pottery class in the morning.



'Modern Family' Quotes of the Night: Manny Get Your Gun

More Modern Family hijinks as the families head to Manny's birthday party.

Cam: Oh, free lotion.

Phil: You don't win the dirty dancing contest and not go back to defend your crown.

Phil: If you ain't white, you ain't right.

Gloria: i didn't lose them, someone came in here and stole them.

Jay: Check the fridge, that's where we found your cell phone.

Haley: No, swerving into a curb and losing your tire loses races.

Alex; Ii heard this summer there's going to be a ho-down.

Cam: I'm sorry I went off script, it felt so right.

Manny: Yes, hello. Is Seymore Butts there?

Gloria: I put down things then I remember where i put them.

Cam: Just open your heart and listen Helen.

Cam: Without love we're nothing.

Helen: What about his wife?

Phil: What do we call Daddy's car?

Girls: The Cone of Trust!

Claire: You can't have two fun parents, or it's a carnival.

Gloria: I look, you rest!

Gloria: Come here, or sink!

Jay: Vamanos!

Cam:  Oh it's a flash mob, it's a flash mob.

Mitchell:  This dance is my love letter to Cam.

Luke:  You do fun stuff.  You put that potato chip in my sandwich.

Gloria:  Your mind is going to be scattered.  Manny, give me that gun!

Manny:  I know, my knee's been singing all morning.