Modern Family Quotes of the Night from 'The One That Got Away'

It's the season finale and it's also Jay's birthday.  All he wants is some peace and quiet and to go fishing.  Gloria has other plans...

Here are the quotes.

Mitchell:  Permission to come aboard.

Jay:  They almost lost me last month with that chorizo.

Gloria:  It's a sausage, not our flag.

Manny:  I only used this once to take a torte out of the oven.

Manny:  I have a tennis racquet upstairs I only use as a bubble bath frother.

Phil:  One day I had to park an Aston Martin. I'll try not to dent that one.

Claire:  Mine's down there getting rabies on it.

Claire:  He didn't stop for the screaming sailor in a tree.

Claire:  Where did you get a sailor suit on short notice.

Cam:  It's not what you think, I'm talking to a little boy.

Jay;  How did you get kicked out of a bakery?

Cam:  She can be mean in Spanish.

Haley:  I can't talk about Grandpa dressed like this.

Luke:  Grandpa is really cool, one time he let me drink some of his beer.   Root beer.

Gloria:  It's a little see thru.

Gloria:  I think I found something that will make my husband very happy.

Phil:  Very happy Gloria!

Gloria:  Phil, I need you....

Jay:  You think that's funny, Popeye?

Mitchell:  Sorry you said wrecked 'em.

Manny:  She wants to go on a date to the batting cage.

Jay:  Sparks are up by 8, if anyone cares.

Jay:  I thought of taking up the saxophone.  Is this the sexy phone?

Haley:  Now you are dork of the night.

Modern Family Quotes from 'Someone to Watch over Lily'

Mitchell and Cameron are looking to pick legal guardians for Lily in case anything were to happen to them, and are secretly assessing their family members. But no one is blowing their socks off, as they witness Jay giving Manny a dose of tough love, Claire secretly taking Luke to a child psychologist to assess his development, and Haley and Alex getting into some delinquent activities at school.

What will they do?

Here are tonight's quotes:

Manny: I can't see myself going back to drip.

Gloria: I don't love Grandmother.

Cam:  No one from Missouri would say Missoura.

Claire: Come back in 7 years and 5 months when they are all gone!

Cam: You know with all the frozen cows and all.

Mitchell:  It would have to be a very tragic accident.

Gloria:  If something did we would be so happy.

Claire:  You're going to have to smell Daddy's receptionist some other time.

Luke: One time she gave me a woody.

Luke: Smell Heather for me.

Phil:  I always do...not.

Haley: Go knock on the door, Ellen Einstein.

Cam:  My Aunt Pat, total gun nut, lives totally off the grid.

Cam:  I don't know about Jay raising a child.

Mitchell:  He raised me.

Manny: Without chaperones, it's anarchy.

Luke: She's like the best doctor ever, no shots.  I didn't even have to take my pants off.

Claire:  I'm worried he's turning into you, Phil.

Mitchell:  I've never said anything about my shy bladder.

Jay:  I've seen vines climb walls faster than that.

Cam: Excuse me sherpa, can you assist me.

Cam:  I know it seems daunting, but it's simple.

Haley: That's not feet.

Cam: I'm just glad my clown training taught me how to take a fall.

Jay:  I could use a little piece of lumbar right now.

Cam: Mitchell, What are hair rings?

Gloria:  But did you see both sides, I didn't just do the gay ear, look.

Haley: Calm down you just did one bad thing.

Mitchell:  The crazy aunts and frozen cows.

Manny:  I have some concerns about the shower situation.

Manny: If Rueben can go with that extra nipple.

Gloria:  I've had them since I was 2, huge ones.

Gloria:  When something horrible happens, you're going to be all mine.

Mitchell:  Carmen Miranda!

Modern Family Quotes of the Night from "Bixby's Back"

Claire and Phil role play.  Jay tries too hard and Mitchell and Cam think they both have a secret admirer.

Phil:  Panties?

Phil: She lost her under panties.

Mitchell:  He does not have a crush on me.

Phil:  This is how you do "V" Day!

Claire:  Most of these people were here on V-E Day.

Claire/Juliana:  May I speak to Clive?

Phil/Clive:  Baby Doll, I've been lying to my wife for 16 years.

Phil: Nobody walks anymore!

Jay: What kind of guy messes up two Valentines Days in a row?  Not this idiot.

Jay:  Bam! She looks like a big idiot.

Haley: David never sent me a jar of his own tears.

Manny:  Who is Haley Dunphy?

Cam:  Gasp! I'm shocked.

Cam: Me, Mitchell, wedge.

Broderick: Did I validate you?

Cam: Oh, yes.

Clive/Phil:  You look hot enough to cook a pizza on...in.

Clive/Phil:  I'm good at catching things from women in bars.

Jay:  Five-course meal at home and she's strapping on the feed bag at Ibiza.

Juliana/Claire:  I can still hear your pants.

Clive/Phil:  Maybe I should just shut them up.

Phil:  There's been a tiny mistake.

Cam:  Your assistant is hot for me.

Mitchell  Well pick out china and move to Vermont.

Gloria:  I'm the second wife Jay, why do you treat me like the first?

Gloria:  I trick you.  I win!

Gloria:  Shut up!  I win.

Claire:  Let's not push it, you almost got arrested tonight.

Haley:  I haven't been single since I was nine.

Cam/Mitchell:  Ryan!