Modern Family Quotes from "Two Monkeys and a Panda"

This week on Modern Family:

Claire runs herself silly while Phil hits the day spa.  We find out Jay wants to be put in a crypt when he dies and Cameron wants to write a children's book for Lily.

Here are this week's quotes:

Phil: If you don't use them then all of our money just goes to charity.

Haley:  That was the first time the top half got any exercise.

Mitchell:  Guess what the new spinach is?

Cam: Adopting...Yea!

Claire:  Tell me again why the violin just wasn't you?

Alex:  It's too happy.

Alex:  Relax, half the 11th grade has been inside this sweater.

Manny:  I'm seeing a younger woman.

Gloria:  With all that bacon he eats.

Mitchell:  And we're monkeys because....

Cam:  I can draw monkeys.

Mitchell:  I fill out the forms ever since you signed up for a 12-year gym membership.

Phil:  You mess with Phil Dunphy, the claws come out.

Gloria:  Tada is when you do a flip, or cut a woman in half.

Gloria:  Here you are just a mushy bag of bones rotting away for all of eternity.

Gloria: We don't want our bodies in these drawers where God cannot find us!

Phil:  Did you know Karen and Richard Carpenter grew up in Downey?

Claire:  There is no simpler way, just make dinner!

Jay:  I don't know what our lineup is yet, but at home I sleep on the right.

Gloria:  Good luck at getting someone into your drawers.

Cam:  I don't know stop asking me questions.  Can't do it, can't.

Phil:  Forgive me for being a man!

Phil:  Maybe it's all the cremes, but that just made sense girlfriends.

Manny:  I just made a joke about The Wiggles, it went right over her head.

Jay:  What if I'm the putz?

Jay:  I have a few moves.

Claire:  I had to undress a mannequin while a creepy guy filmed it.

Jay:  Who's my gal?

Gloria:  We need to talk about this tada...

Mitchell:  There was something missing...

Cam: A hyphen?

Mitchell: Coco and Miko,  I like that.

Mitchell:  Technically it's my house but I'll fix that too.

Cam:  Gay parents are a huge market.

Mitchell:  Trans-gender adoption. 

Cam: Let's go Miko.

Modern Family Quotes from "Regrets Only"

This week, Claire and Phil have a fight and Claire gets the couch.  Jay gets Gloria a karaoke machine and she can't stop singing.  Also, Cam and Mitchell keep trying to outdo each other.

Here are the quotes:

Phil:  You don't need to apologize.

Phil:  But, no.

Phil:  A racoon got in and your mom fought it off with a fire extinguisher.

Gloria:  Touch my cheek before you leave me...

Cam:  Don't I, Mitchell?

Jay:  Why don't you two go work on your story.

Luke:  Is this upscale casual?

Gloria:  What can't I do you?

Phil:  You can do me.

Cam:  Luke, how are those chairs coming?

Luke:  Are you going to get upset and eat all the appetizers again?

Cam:  Donald, that is the name of your cat, isn't it?

Phil:  I'm just a little tense today.

Manny:  That's a lot of cheddar.

Claire:  Oh God, yes.  Get after it!

Phil:  Happy Valenbirthaversarry!

Phil:  I thought you were a raccoon!

Gloria:  If you give me a message this tiny, I kill you.

Phil:  Wedge salad, you have to try it.

Gloria:  I don't even know why she talks to you. 

Gloria:  Chin up, up.

Jay:  When you get a massage you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.

Cam:  And Steven and Stefan?

Luke:  Uncle Cam for Uncle Mitchell.

Phil:  We're all just playing for second in this family.

Phil:  I penciled her in for the 12th of never.

Phil:  If your mother had a name tag it would say good driver.

Phil:  Do yourself a favor and join me in a wedge salad.

Haley:  Mom's little outburst just got me fired.

Luke:  i could start a fire.

Cam:  Keep that in your back pocket.

Phil:  I changed my forestry major.

Phil;  I've got Claire all over me.

Andrew:  Bored is right.

Cam:  This is double what Andrew had last year for Cello Submarine.

Manny:  It's not singing it's screaming.  Coward!

Manny:  You keep this up, and it won't be the last plug I pull.

Modern Family Quotes from 'Slow Down Your Neighbors'

Jay continues to be amazed by Gloria and Manny. There is a speeder in the neighborhood, and Claire is going to catch him, or her. Cam and Mitchell are just, Cam and Mitchell.

Cam: Mitchell, there's a stranger in our hot tub.

Mitchell: I'm calling 911.

Cam: He's straight. There's no weirdness.

Mitchell: Except for you turning into a 16-year old girl.

Claire: We are catching that speeder!

Phil: Luke I am your Father!

Phil: That's what I said to you when you were coming out of your Mom's lady parts.

Manny: There's a bunch of cool kids that ride their bikes to school. Thought i would join them.

Jay: Seven Hawking could ride that bike.

Jay: There's no reason you should stay upright. It just works.

Phil: When you are working with me, you are working with a friend.

Laura: God! I hope I don't have to fire you.

Cam: What about But, yet Rachel?

Cam: I don't feel safe in my own home.

Phil: Nobody remembers Scottie Pippen.

Jay: We're riding bikes, not training police dogs.

Jay: He was a natural.

Jay: Gloria was a natural disaster.

Jay: Good days work. Why don't you say we hit the jewelry store.

Laura: This woman needs to get laid.

Claire: I am doing this for the safety of our neighborhood.

Gloria:  Jay's a terrible teacher.

Gloria:  I'm riding the bike!

Cam:  Are you living in our daughter's princess castle?

Phil:  I wish I was one of those people who thrives on leading a double life.  Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, Hannah Montana.

Modern Family Quotes from "Dance Dance Revelation"

Claire and Gloria help plan a school dance, and Lily likes to bite, much to Mitchell and Cam's dismay. As a bonus, Jay and Phil take their sons to the mall.

Claire: I don't think Phil is a pocket-square kind of guy.

Mitchell You wouldn't believe how some of the parents dress their kids.

Phil: Let's go, Incredible Hulk.

Cam: Let's blame the gay dads!

Phil: I want you to know there is more to being a man than shopping for fancy outfits.

Claire: I already have a husband who doesn't fix lights.

Cam: She bit me. It like Twilight back here!

Luke: Here's something I learned about mannequins, they don't have a wiener.

Cam: She's not biting, she's teething.

Cam: I'm not the one who uses his teeth like a multi-tool.

Claire: What, we needed chairs.

Manny: At this rate, I'm going to miss the first dance, at my wedding.

Phil: Oasis for men, men, men, men, men, men, men.

Jay: I'm tough.

Phil: You know skipping burns more calories than running.

Mitchell: You know she didn't fight in Vietnam.

Cam: I waterboarded my daughter!

Cam: As a side note, private parts are private.

Claire: Luke, are you wearing cologne?

Luke: No, Dad attacked the perfume guy.

Claire: It's all about Gloria, Gloria, Gloria!

Claire: You still my thunder with your tight dresses and you great ideas.

Gloria: Your thunder is your thunder, and my thunder is my thunder.

Phil: Hopefully you don't raise a serial killer.

Cam:  Apparently some maniac at the mall went crazy and attacked him with Oasis.