Modern Family Quotes from "Regrets Only"

This week, Claire and Phil have a fight and Claire gets the couch.  Jay gets Gloria a karaoke machine and she can't stop singing.  Also, Cam and Mitchell keep trying to outdo each other.

Here are the quotes:

Phil:  You don't need to apologize.

Phil:  But, no.

Phil:  A racoon got in and your mom fought it off with a fire extinguisher.

Gloria:  Touch my cheek before you leave me...

Cam:  Don't I, Mitchell?

Jay:  Why don't you two go work on your story.

Luke:  Is this upscale casual?

Gloria:  What can't I do you?

Phil:  You can do me.

Cam:  Luke, how are those chairs coming?

Luke:  Are you going to get upset and eat all the appetizers again?

Cam:  Donald, that is the name of your cat, isn't it?

Phil:  I'm just a little tense today.

Manny:  That's a lot of cheddar.

Claire:  Oh God, yes.  Get after it!

Phil:  Happy Valenbirthaversarry!

Phil:  I thought you were a raccoon!

Gloria:  If you give me a message this tiny, I kill you.

Phil:  Wedge salad, you have to try it.

Gloria:  I don't even know why she talks to you. 

Gloria:  Chin up, up.

Jay:  When you get a massage you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.

Cam:  And Steven and Stefan?

Luke:  Uncle Cam for Uncle Mitchell.

Phil:  We're all just playing for second in this family.

Phil:  I penciled her in for the 12th of never.

Phil:  If your mother had a name tag it would say good driver.

Phil:  Do yourself a favor and join me in a wedge salad.

Haley:  Mom's little outburst just got me fired.

Luke:  i could start a fire.

Cam:  Keep that in your back pocket.

Phil:  I changed my forestry major.

Phil;  I've got Claire all over me.

Andrew:  Bored is right.

Cam:  This is double what Andrew had last year for Cello Submarine.

Manny:  It's not singing it's screaming.  Coward!

Manny:  You keep this up, and it won't be the last plug I pull.