Modern Family Quotes from "Boy's Night"

Cam and Mitchell have a gay night out, Haley babysits, and Phil and Claire confront their old, weird neighbor.  Nathan Lane guest stars.

Manny:  Hump Day, am I right Jay?

Manny:  Are the movie right available for that one?

Phil: Testosterone vs. Estrogen.

Phil: Yep, I'm not going over there.

Phil: Mr. Clezak is not a nice person.

Mitchell:  Saturday we are having dinner with Pepper, Longines, and Crispin. Our "Home Boys"

Cam: You mean "Homo Boys"

Cam: Haley is a sweet and fashionable girl.

Cam:  We'll just pop over to the Orient and get another one.

Luke:  We have oxygen, but we don't need tanks.

Claire: Honey, you have to stop watching the news.

Phil:  That and anything set with the backdrop of competitive cheerleader.

Phil: Now, it's so dark.

Haley: You just go and get your gay on.

Phil: I thought we were singing Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons.

Phil:  I'm going to walk like a man, fast as I can, right to that bar over there.  If you knew Frankie Valli, you'd be laughing right now.

Cam:  Richard Gere, I'll be the officer, don't be a gentleman.

Michell:  he doesn't know I'm this gay.

Longines:  He looks like that dentist you hooked up with in Laguna.

Jay:  Your name is Longines?

Longines:  I know, I never had a shot.

Mr. Clezak:  You're the guy who just broke into my house and fondled me.

Phil:  Oh God, he's seen my sexy dance!

Jay:  You're better than that Crispin.

Crispin:  Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

Haley:  Maybe you think I'm shaped like a boy.

Jay:  You've never seen me a shower.  Don't go there.

Mitchell:  Rob Lowe!

Cam:  Where?

Haley:  They're gay, they know what shoes they own!

Pepper:  I hope you like blueberry scones and ...

Michell:  Give Pepper a big kiss for me.

Gloria:  That's someone's name, Pepper?

Pepper:  It's 2 hours not including our stop at the outlet mall.

Pepper:  How rich are you?

Mr. Clezak  Don't go throwing any parades, their onions.

Phil:  This so sweet.

Mr. Clezak:  Just don't start dancing.

Cam:  Are you talking about Rob Lowe?

Mitchell:  I think his good looks held him back.

Haley:  You were invading my 1st Amendment right to privacy.

Modern Family Quotes from "Two Monkeys and a Panda"

This week on Modern Family:

Claire runs herself silly while Phil hits the day spa.  We find out Jay wants to be put in a crypt when he dies and Cameron wants to write a children's book for Lily.

Here are this week's quotes:

Phil: If you don't use them then all of our money just goes to charity.

Haley:  That was the first time the top half got any exercise.

Mitchell:  Guess what the new spinach is?

Cam: Adopting...Yea!

Claire:  Tell me again why the violin just wasn't you?

Alex:  It's too happy.

Alex:  Relax, half the 11th grade has been inside this sweater.

Manny:  I'm seeing a younger woman.

Gloria:  With all that bacon he eats.

Mitchell:  And we're monkeys because....

Cam:  I can draw monkeys.

Mitchell:  I fill out the forms ever since you signed up for a 12-year gym membership.

Phil:  You mess with Phil Dunphy, the claws come out.

Gloria:  Tada is when you do a flip, or cut a woman in half.

Gloria:  Here you are just a mushy bag of bones rotting away for all of eternity.

Gloria: We don't want our bodies in these drawers where God cannot find us!

Phil:  Did you know Karen and Richard Carpenter grew up in Downey?

Claire:  There is no simpler way, just make dinner!

Jay:  I don't know what our lineup is yet, but at home I sleep on the right.

Gloria:  Good luck at getting someone into your drawers.

Cam:  I don't know stop asking me questions.  Can't do it, can't.

Phil:  Forgive me for being a man!

Phil:  Maybe it's all the cremes, but that just made sense girlfriends.

Manny:  I just made a joke about The Wiggles, it went right over her head.

Jay:  What if I'm the putz?

Jay:  I have a few moves.

Claire:  I had to undress a mannequin while a creepy guy filmed it.

Jay:  Who's my gal?

Gloria:  We need to talk about this tada...

Mitchell:  There was something missing...

Cam: A hyphen?

Mitchell: Coco and Miko,  I like that.

Mitchell:  Technically it's my house but I'll fix that too.

Cam:  Gay parents are a huge market.

Mitchell:  Trans-gender adoption. 

Cam: Let's go Miko.

Modern Family Quotes from "Regrets Only"

This week, Claire and Phil have a fight and Claire gets the couch.  Jay gets Gloria a karaoke machine and she can't stop singing.  Also, Cam and Mitchell keep trying to outdo each other.

Here are the quotes:

Phil:  You don't need to apologize.

Phil:  But, no.

Phil:  A racoon got in and your mom fought it off with a fire extinguisher.

Gloria:  Touch my cheek before you leave me...

Cam:  Don't I, Mitchell?

Jay:  Why don't you two go work on your story.

Luke:  Is this upscale casual?

Gloria:  What can't I do you?

Phil:  You can do me.

Cam:  Luke, how are those chairs coming?

Luke:  Are you going to get upset and eat all the appetizers again?

Cam:  Donald, that is the name of your cat, isn't it?

Phil:  I'm just a little tense today.

Manny:  That's a lot of cheddar.

Claire:  Oh God, yes.  Get after it!

Phil:  Happy Valenbirthaversarry!

Phil:  I thought you were a raccoon!

Gloria:  If you give me a message this tiny, I kill you.

Phil:  Wedge salad, you have to try it.

Gloria:  I don't even know why she talks to you. 

Gloria:  Chin up, up.

Jay:  When you get a massage you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.

Cam:  And Steven and Stefan?

Luke:  Uncle Cam for Uncle Mitchell.

Phil:  We're all just playing for second in this family.

Phil:  I penciled her in for the 12th of never.

Phil:  If your mother had a name tag it would say good driver.

Phil:  Do yourself a favor and join me in a wedge salad.

Haley:  Mom's little outburst just got me fired.

Luke:  i could start a fire.

Cam:  Keep that in your back pocket.

Phil:  I changed my forestry major.

Phil;  I've got Claire all over me.

Andrew:  Bored is right.

Cam:  This is double what Andrew had last year for Cello Submarine.

Manny:  It's not singing it's screaming.  Coward!

Manny:  You keep this up, and it won't be the last plug I pull.