Modern Family Quotes From 'Dude Ranch: When Good Kids Go Bad'

The season premiere of Modern Family finds the gang heading to Jackson Hole, Wyoming for some vacation time together.

What could possibly go wrong?

Here are the quotes:

Phil: I reckon we'll be landing soon

Gloria: I'm like that horse whisperer

Claire:  Where's a cliff when you need one?

Manny: Do we book spa treatments through you?

Jay: Shootin', ropin' pancake eatin'.

Cam: Trey macho!

Mitchell: I want to be able to teach my son all the things my father taught Claire.

Luke: I need to find the perfect thing to blow up.

Gloria: Is this like a lobster, do I get to pick one for dinner?

Michell: I was afraid that cow over there might bite me.

Dylan: You want me to go home?

Cam: Next time I'll catch it and hand it to you.

Claire: Not now, not then, not ever!

Mitchell: You know what happens in real life when someone gets hit in the head with a ladder?

Manny: He left his luggage.

Alex: Not a Mario Brother....

Guide: Me and Cactus Flower will ride up to Destiny Ridge.

Luke: Can you keep a secret?

Mitchell:  I kept a pretty big one for 22-years.

Luke: After this we're going to have some Angry Birds!

Mitchell: Cam, I did a boy thing!  I blew up a birdhouse.

Dylan: You're a high school student and I'm a ranch hand.

Phil:  I'll only be checking "somewhat satisfied" on our comment card.  He's good with the kids.

Phil: Just like the horny cowboy said we would.

Part II

Phil:  Honey, did you pull from the bottom again?

Cam: We decided to go a little more low-key this time.

Cam: Bye see you soon, or never!

Lily: We bought matching hats.

Gloria: I didn't mean anything about the neck tie, just trying to make a point.

Gloria: What's with the looks, it's like a silent movie in here.

Gloria: Now he's the jewelry thief.

Gloria: What was he thinking, it's not even real gold.

Mitchell: My French braiding is sloppy.

Manny: I am a first time offender.

Gloria: This is you Ha-Ha moment.

Mitchell: We really need to get Cam's coddling problem under control.

Gloria: Drive before he rethinks the pants.

Cam: She looks like she wa dipped in glue and dragged through a flea market.

Luke: Grandpa said you used to live in a closet.

Gloria: You'd be surprised what people can live with, Jay.

Claire: I was right, suck it!

Mitchell: Cam wears her like a fanny pack.

Mitchell: How long was I in that dryer.  Maybe that's why I'm afraid of tumbling.

Jay: We clink when we say we clink!

Luke: Something sleeps over there.

iPad Free App of the Week: Snapseed

Finally, an iPad photography app that doesn't insult your intelligence.

Get Snapseed for FREE from 9/20—9/23 and get the app Apple named their iTunes App of the Week in August!

Snapseed makes any photograph extraordinary and puts a fun high-quality photo experience right at your fingertips.

Now anyone can enhance, transform, and share their photos with ease using incredibly advanced features from the leader in digital photography software!


Features:
• Easily browse and adjust your photos with a single tap using Auto Correct
• Tweak your photo to perfection with Tune Image
• Use Selective Adjust to enhance specific objects or areas in your photos
• Experiment with fun and innovative features like Drama, Vintage, Grunge, and Center Focus
• Add Borders for incredible finishing touches
• Email your creations or share them on Facebook and Flickr

SUPPORTS:
• 6.25 MP images for iPad, iPhone 3Gs, and iPod Touch (3rd and 4th Gen), 16 MP images for iPad 2 and iPhone 4 (larger images will be automatically down sampled)
• JPEG and TIFF photos
• RAW photos (requires iPad or iPad 2) transferred using the Camera Connector Kit (if files show up as a small thumbnail, go to Settings > Location Services and turn this setting to On for Snapseed. This is required to allow Snapseed to use the iOS RAW processing)

Typhoon Hits Japan

Typhoon Roke, the second big storm to hit Japan this month, was packing winds of up to 220 km per hour (130 miles per hour) and dumped more than 40 cm (16 inches) of rain in parts of eastern and western Japan over the past 24 hours, the Japan Meteorological Agency said.

The storm cut power to more than 575,500 households in Tokyo Electric Power Co's service area, and forced companies including Toyota Motor Corp, Nissan Motor and Mitsubishi Heavy Industries to close some plants, company spokesmen said.

"We need to exercise maximum caution against heavy rains, strong winds and high waves in wide areas from eastern to northern Japan," Chief Cabinet Secretary Osamu Fujimura told a news conference.

Roke made landfall near Hamamatsu, 200 km (125 miles) west of Tokyo, around 2 p.m. local time (0500 GMT), and cut a path through eastern Japan before moving north of the capital in the evening.
Television showed waves crashing over breakwaters on the Pacific coast and trees knocked down on streets of Tokyo.

Tokyo Electric, the operator of the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant 240 km northeast of Tokyo that was crippled by a massive earthquake and tsunami in March, said the typhoon has so far caused no damage to the plant.

"The biggest element of concern is the rise of (radioactive) water levels in turbine buildings," Junichi Matsumoto, a Tokyo Electric official, told a news conference.

The site still has huge amounts of water that was used to cool reactors where fuel meltdowns took place after cooling systems were knocked out by the March disaster, raising concerns that heavy rain could cause overflows of radioactive water into the sea and groundwater.

Dancing With the Stars Week 1 Results - Artest Fouls Out!

There was nothing boring about what took place in the new Dancing With the Stars' ballroom last night.

We got to see some good, some bad, and the show producers made sure they saved the ugly for the end.  That happened to be the controversial Chaz Bono, who didn't dance all that bad.

It appears that NBA-player Ron Artest, who was only able to garner 14 points last night may be the first to go.  
Here comes the results show...

After the opening dance number choreographed by Lacey Schwimmer we get down to business.  

Millions voted via phone and on ABC.com last night.  The first three contestants up are Ricki, Elisabetta, and Rob.  Ricki Lake and Derrick Hough are safe.  Elisabetta and Val are also safe.  Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke are put into jeopardy. 

Kind of a surprise, but Rob was in danger with his low scores.  Elisabetta and Ricki and very happy to move on.

Next up was a new song by Harry Connick Jr.  It's for the new movie, "Dolphin Tale."  Harry also has a new show opening on Broadway in December.  Should be good.

Here we go with more eliminations.  Hope Solo, Kristin Cavallari, and Ron Artest are front and center.  The next coupe safe is Hope and Maks.  Ron and Peta are put in jeopardy and Kristin and Mark Ballas are safe.

Following this we got to meet this season's dance troupe.  Three new members and some returning dancers. 

LMFAO was the next musical guest.  Peta, Cheryl, Maks and Val did the dance number with LMFAO.  Mark and Lacey then joined then with some more high energy steps.  Why does that guy in LMFAO have a box on his head?

Next on the block are J.R., Chynna, of course Chaz.  Chynna and Tony are safe.  J.R. and Karina are also safe, as a bonus, Chaz and Lacey are also safe.

The final 3 to find out their fate are Nancy, David and Carson.  The next couple safe is David and Kym.  Nancy and Tristan are in jeopardy, that means Carson and Anna are safe.

It all comes down to Rob, Ron Artest (Metta), or Nancy Grace going home.  Who will it be?

After Rob and Cheryl are brought to safety, it comes down to two.

The first couple eliminated is... Ron (Metta) and Peta.  More dancing next week!

English 101 with Dr. Conan T. Barbarian

If you go to Trinity College, this is one professor you don't want.  Trinity College in Dublin was spoofed last Thursday when an unknown prankster posted an academic profile of its newest English lecturer: a certain Conan T. Barbarian, complete with Hollywood mug shot of a shirtless, sword-clad Arnold Schwarzenegger in his maiden film role.

Trinity removed the parody site — but not before dozens of fans had archived the Web page of the mock biography and turned it into an Irish viral sensation.

Trinity spokeswoman Caoimhe Ni Lochlainn said the university had never had its Web site disrupted like this before. She confirmed that Trinity was certain it was an inside job, not the work of a hacker.

Dr. Barbarian's profile is great.  It contains a warrior's feast of references to the arcane plot of the 1982 film, which was critically panned but a box-office hit that launched Schwarzenegger's movie career.

It claims he has been preparing for the rigors of academic life since being "ripped from his mother's womb."

His Ph.D thesis is titled "To Hear the Lamentation of Their Women: Constructions of Masculinity in Contemporary Zamoran Literature," which refers to a line in the classic movie.

The parody faculty listing claims he was appointed to the School of English "after successfully decapitating his predecessor during a bloody battle which will long be remembered in legend and song."

It cites his upcoming courses as including "Vengeance for Beginners" and "Deciphering the Riddle of Steel."

That riddle is central to the film's plot and concerns whether a sword is more powerful than a man. Answer: Nope.

Conan's stated classroom policy is to crucify students who cheat or show weakness.  A reminder never to show weakness in an English class.