Modern Family Quotes of the Night from 'The One That Got Away'

It's the season finale and it's also Jay's birthday.  All he wants is some peace and quiet and to go fishing.  Gloria has other plans...

Here are the quotes.

Mitchell:  Permission to come aboard.

Jay:  They almost lost me last month with that chorizo.

Gloria:  It's a sausage, not our flag.

Manny:  I only used this once to take a torte out of the oven.

Manny:  I have a tennis racquet upstairs I only use as a bubble bath frother.

Phil:  One day I had to park an Aston Martin. I'll try not to dent that one.

Claire:  Mine's down there getting rabies on it.

Claire:  He didn't stop for the screaming sailor in a tree.

Claire:  Where did you get a sailor suit on short notice.

Cam:  It's not what you think, I'm talking to a little boy.

Jay;  How did you get kicked out of a bakery?

Cam:  She can be mean in Spanish.

Haley:  I can't talk about Grandpa dressed like this.

Luke:  Grandpa is really cool, one time he let me drink some of his beer.   Root beer.

Gloria:  It's a little see thru.

Gloria:  I think I found something that will make my husband very happy.

Phil:  Very happy Gloria!

Gloria:  Phil, I need you....

Jay:  You think that's funny, Popeye?

Mitchell:  Sorry you said wrecked 'em.

Manny:  She wants to go on a date to the batting cage.

Jay:  Sparks are up by 8, if anyone cares.

Jay:  I thought of taking up the saxophone.  Is this the sexy phone?

Haley:  Now you are dork of the night.

Modern Family Quotes from 'See You Next Fall'

The whole family has gathered at Jay's before heading out to Alex's graduation ceremony from middle school, but while at the house, Jay is preoccupied hiding a botox mishap from everyone, Cameron is upset about Mitchell's habit of laughing at his expense, and Phil and Claire think about how fast the kids are growing up.

Alex:  He misses a few weeks when the robot he was working on attacked him.

Phil:  It was kind of a grande deal.  I was up against a Puerto Rican.

Phil: Otherwise what happens in Vegas won't happen to me, because  I won't be there.

Jay: My clicker won't work. 

Mitchell:  If I wasn't gay before...

Phil:  Until 2 pm tomorrow, when my flight leaves for Vegas.

Jay:  I got botox, and now it's drifting.

Haley:  Nobody wants to think, it's a graduation.

Manny:  I'm trying to rule out a stroke.

Cam:  I'm just saying it's a character flaw.

Mitchell:  The pool popped!

Manny:  Well, I'll be graduating.

Cam:  Now it makes sense, it's a Pritchett thing.

Claire:  His face looks like a candle.

Cam:  What were you thinking you're a veteran.

Phil:  Do you think he got his butt done too?

Haley:  You'll be a social piranha!

Claire:  As a gate owner you have a certain responsibility.

Phil:  Hysterical wife, hysterical wife, hysterical wife, jackpot!

Cam:  I need a paperclip, some olive oil and a ribbon.

Gloria:  I keep hitting my boobs with my knees.

Phil:  Grab a handful, don't be shy.

Gloria:  It's my bathroom too, and I like when the old guy is there.

Claire:  She became a moody, little, texting princess.

Phil: Me nombre es Fillipe.

Alex:  Don't stop believing, let's get this party started.

Cam:  Your speech moved me.

Haley:  I'm kind of hungry Mom.

Phil:  Oh my God, she's back!

Modern Family Quotes from 'Good Cop, Bad Dog'

Phil and Claire swap parenting roles for the day - Claire will assume the role of good cop and Phil the disciplinarian bad cop.  How will the kids react?  Meanwhile Gloria is at it again, taking in every sob story and stray she comes across, Jay finds himself dispensing business advice to an overzealous entrepreneur about his dog training business scheme, and Cameron is stuck in bed with the flu -- leaving Mitchell torn about the Lady Gaga concert tickets they have for later that night.  Oh my!

Here are tonight's quotes.

Mitchell:  It's the one gay cliche I allow myself.

Manny:  In Europe this would be no big deal.

Claire:  What was good about Luke's report card?

Phil: He didn't lose it.

Phil: Dad wants to go go-carting!

Jay: He a dog, that's new.

Mitchell:  The bed kind of looks like a Rose Parade float.

Mitchell:  But there's that Craigslist killer.

Cam:  Can I get one of my little pudding cups?

Guillermo:  The good dog, bad dog training system...

Guillermo: The bad doggie treat is very bland.

Guillermo: Welcome to the ground floor.

Jay: She's peeing on the floor.

Phil: Stop this car!  You poked him!

Jay: Any idea would be a better idea.

Gloria: I put on the sugar jacket!

Manny:  Do you have a skinless chicken breast.

Claire:  What are you going to the ball Cinderella?

Alex:  Dad, we haven't had lunch yet?

Phil:  Either have half the kids in Africa.

Phil:  Grab your buckets and meet me by the car.

Claire: You are not a good bad cop!

Mitchell:  You drank enough of the cough syrup to drop a grizzly.

Gloria: But instead I have Jay.

Cam: You're still blinking sweetie!



Modern Family Quotes from 'Mother's Day'

A Mother's Day in the great outdoors and Jay and Phil take over the cooking duties.

Here are tonight's quotes:

Haley: It's perverted.  it looks like you were felt up by the creepy guy around the corner.

Gloria:  A necklace made of the Fruit Loops.

Manny:   Those aren't real Fruit Loops they are generic.

Mitchell:  Today is your day.

Cam:  It's Mother's Day Mitchell.

Cam:  I'm a woman!

Mitchell:  Scratch the balloons, she's on a mood.

Jay:  Were not doing that.

Haley:  I'm getting dust in my mouth.

Gloria:  You have to appreciate nature, soon this will be a mall.

Mitchell:  It's Mother's Day, not martyr's day.

Cam:  I could snap you like a twig.

Manny:  That was poison oak, I think the rash is spreading.

Gloria:  You can't bitch all day, because you aren't at the beach all day.

Alex:  If we are thoughtless, how can we think?

Phil:  Onion goggles, no more tears when I cook.

Claire:  Sometimes I want to punch my kids.

Gloria:  He's persnickety.

Gloria:  Go outside, kick a ball, steal something.

Luke:  Wake up and smell the internet, Grandma!

Phil:  I shamed the proud lion.  Only thing to do, hug the proud lion.

Cam:  They think of me as a woman.

Mitchell:  Your slightly "mommer"

Mitchell:  Oh God, he looks old!   Hands!

Gloria:  I curse my tongue!

Manny:  There was some horrible stuff said about my poetry.

Claire: That's healthy.

Mitchell:  Put down the scotch, you're not fooling anyone.

Cam: It's so burning!

Haley: We're your mother now!

Gloria: You cried for your Mommy!

Mitchell:  She taught me to twirl.

Gloria: On my God, it's happening again.

Cam: Don't even try, I have that pottery class in the morning.



Modern Family Quotes from 'Someone to Watch over Lily'

Mitchell and Cameron are looking to pick legal guardians for Lily in case anything were to happen to them, and are secretly assessing their family members. But no one is blowing their socks off, as they witness Jay giving Manny a dose of tough love, Claire secretly taking Luke to a child psychologist to assess his development, and Haley and Alex getting into some delinquent activities at school.

What will they do?

Here are tonight's quotes:

Manny: I can't see myself going back to drip.

Gloria: I don't love Grandmother.

Cam:  No one from Missouri would say Missoura.

Claire: Come back in 7 years and 5 months when they are all gone!

Cam: You know with all the frozen cows and all.

Mitchell:  It would have to be a very tragic accident.

Gloria:  If something did we would be so happy.

Claire:  You're going to have to smell Daddy's receptionist some other time.

Luke: One time she gave me a woody.

Luke: Smell Heather for me.

Phil:  I always do...not.

Haley: Go knock on the door, Ellen Einstein.

Cam:  My Aunt Pat, total gun nut, lives totally off the grid.

Cam:  I don't know about Jay raising a child.

Mitchell:  He raised me.

Manny: Without chaperones, it's anarchy.

Luke: She's like the best doctor ever, no shots.  I didn't even have to take my pants off.

Claire:  I'm worried he's turning into you, Phil.

Mitchell:  I've never said anything about my shy bladder.

Jay:  I've seen vines climb walls faster than that.

Cam: Excuse me sherpa, can you assist me.

Cam:  I know it seems daunting, but it's simple.

Haley: That's not feet.

Cam: I'm just glad my clown training taught me how to take a fall.

Jay:  I could use a little piece of lumbar right now.

Cam: Mitchell, What are hair rings?

Gloria:  But did you see both sides, I didn't just do the gay ear, look.

Haley: Calm down you just did one bad thing.

Mitchell:  The crazy aunts and frozen cows.

Manny:  I have some concerns about the shower situation.

Manny: If Rueben can go with that extra nipple.

Gloria:  I've had them since I was 2, huge ones.

Gloria:  When something horrible happens, you're going to be all mine.

Mitchell:  Carmen Miranda!